The Epitome of Heterosexuality

When most people quote their first crush it is a recollection from somewhere between the 2nd grade and the 10th. However, awareness of the opposite sex, that tingling feeling a guy gets when a beautiful girl enters his force field (proximity of an arms length), starts long long before. And btw my force field sweeps a radius of one mile given that I am a jedi and one with the force. (Sorry, saw Revenge fo the Sith last nite and had to incorporate the force into this blog.)

After watching a James Bond movie (I think the Spy who loved me) with dada at around age 5, I was convinced that my purpose on this planet was to get girls into a room and take off their clothes coz the girl in the movie looked very happy when her bra was undone and said "Oh! James, you're the best"! The "best", thats the aim! Attention seeking only-kids want people to love them and to be the best, and if that necessitates taking off millions of bras so be it .... I hope that explains me playing doctor doctor the rest of that year (1985). And ever since that, I spent my middle school years, running after highschool girls, highschool years running after middle school girls, and college years (well we dont talk about college years) And through the years I preached to all my friends that making girls happy is the epitome of heterosexuality, it doesnt matter how many women, but the woman you are with should be the happiest girl in the world!

Anyways, this piece wasnt supposed to be about me so I'll get back to the point. Recently, I have revamped my definition of the Epitome of heterosexuality. I no longer believe that guys who are naturally good at getting women, saying the right things at the right time are worthy of the title. There is a much more deserving candidate.

Meet Rakesh Saxena: 29, working in Los Angeles , for ok …. lets hit a stereotype IIT Bombay, and now working for a hardware company, say Macrohard. Our friend Rakesh never really spoke to girls when he was in high school since he wasn’t born with the talent of starting a conversation. The first time he spoke to the woman he loved (read puppy dog high school crush) was when she tied him a rakhi in the 10^th grade. Oh! that mean day that women back in India used deviously to put an end to men’s secret crushes, the day half the guys of the class feigned sickness and stayed home. Neways, rest of his high school days were spent ogling at women, perusing debonair, playboy, the works, and dreaming of the prospects of meeting women in college. Two years of hammering away at books for the infamous IIT-JEE exams resulted in the honor to grace India ’s premium Engineering College and also ensured celibacy for the next four years. Let me explain why, and yeah, there are a few cute women in IITs but if they are, they are taken, and taken quite a few times if you know what I mean. Girls who never ever got checked out immediately get raised to the status of goddesses and the guys worship the ground they walk on. Neways, so Rakesh spends four years, sitting around in his hostel room with friends bitching about the world over several pegs of McDowell’s premium whiskey. But the world has more in store for them. Virginity is just a temporary phase. Rakesh next decides to change countries to improve his chances, and of course to pursue a PhD in the United States , the promised land, where opportunities present themselves, and the babes are wild (At least so promised Club MTV). Six months later, Rakesh finds himself wearing the tightest jeans ever in a strip club peeking at boobies for the first time. The stories of American babes showering their easy love on him were myths. One Phd and 2 years of job experience later, Rakesh is still clinging on to his cherry, while his mom (who has learnt how to send e-mail) keeps flooding his account with pictures of cherry busters for him. He considers each one of them, smiles at the thoughts of getting lucky, even if mommy brings luck to him, but still hasn’t given up the hope of finding the woman of his dreams. She may be around the corner, on the subway or on shaadi.com or friendster! My friends, Rakesh Saxena, who in spite all the downs of his love life never loses hope and remains loyal to his sexuality is the Epitome of Heterosexuality, unchallenged and unparalleled by any other man. His untiring exuberance and his optimism must be lauded. So all you guys out there, join me in a toast to Rakesh Saxena, the epitome of heterosexuality. And to all you girls, consider this: a smart guy, a solid bank balance, and 18 years of pent up sexual energy to be unleashed on you. I don’t think even a convict on death row could beat that. Think about it!

This blog is a result of a conversation between me and my roomy Vishal about our relentless friends. Please note Rakesh Saxena is a fictional character! at least by name! 

"S"hit and Run !

I am in the mood of abusing! I am a proponent of driving as fast as you can, changing lanes as many times as you want to as long as no other driver has to change his/her speed to accomodate your thrills. However, everyone who drives a car or observes other cars while gracing the passenger seat will have some time seen an act that cannot be described better than a "Shit and Run" ....
I jammed my mustang into third gear as i moved to the rightmost lane in an attempt to overtake this really old man in an Oldsmobile driving so slow that it was obvious that he dint wanna go home to his wife.  As I blazed past him,  right infront of me, a honda accord merges onto the lane from a gas station. Since he was just a couple of meters ahead of me, and the left lane wasnt empty I had to slow down to 10 miles an hour from 60 as the jackass butted in at around the same speed. However, after I slowed down, he suddenly accelerates and zooms away creating this distance between us and kinda looks back and gleams at the fact that he hasnt hampered anything coz now there is a 6 car gap between the two of us. This is the common feat that I call the "Shit and Run!"
I used to take my doberwomann, Jenny for walks and set her loose in a field near our house. Jenny used to prance around and then start examining spots to take a good dump. Once the perfect crapping atmosphere was located she used to leave her load upon the road, and run away from it immediately as if to say "I didnt do it! thats not my shit." This is exactly analogous to the stunt pulled off by Mr Honda Accord. He pulled up infront of me, made me reduce my speed (in other words: shat all over the road), and then when I had slowed down for him (becoz of the stench of his shit)  accelerated and left me behind to make himself believe that he hadnt shat all over the road. I wish I cud drive up next to him, roll down my window and scream at him " Running away from ur shit does not change the fact that you shat!" For all those of you who drive regularly, you will definitely know what i am bitching about, for those who dont, look out for the Shit and Run,  and this story will make perfect sense when u spot it.

Where do babies come from ?

Ever since I was 4 I always wanted to know "Where do babies come from?"  Given my age I was always offered lame explanations such as "babies come from heaven above", or "santa gives mommies babies"  But, I was too smart to fall for any of them. I had never seen babies fall out of the sky so the heaven explanation dint work, and if santa sent babies, they would come down the chimney and then all babies would be black in color covered with chimney soot, and more to the point, why was Mrs.  Green down the street starting to look as if she had devoured a cow???

I went to pre-kindergarten in England, where I was soon received a double promotion from the cat class to the crocodile class only to find myself subjected to a bunch of 8 year old british kids, while i was only 6. One bright day, our teacher decided to take us on a field day to check out the local farm. Equipped with my lunchbox and neverending supply of coke in the largest juice box possible, I jumped along with the group as excited as ever could be.  At the farm we came upon this couple of guinea pigs in a cage and then confusion happened. One guinea pig came awefully close to the other, and the rest was like watching two rats glued together  as one sometimes tried to break free and then sometimes went the other way! this act was acccompanied by huge amounts of sneering and laughs from the other kids. "Go for it guinea boy" William roared! Luckily, my class teacher, Ms West soon realized that I was lost, and came over to me. "Amrit, did you understand what happened?" she asked. "umm the guinea pigs came close." I said. "What else?" "Ummm, the guinea pigs came very close?" I answered with question marks all over my face. "Ok, this is what happened, the guinea pigs come close, and the male guinea pig gives the female guinea pig a kiss, and then she gets pregnant, and has a baby" went Ms West maintaining perfect eye-contact.
Yes, this made perfect sense! I felt like the buddha under the peepal tree wallowing in enlightenment! I knew the truth of life. A kiss followed by a big tummy, and the word pregnant was exactly what mummy had used for Mrs. Green down the road!
Well, months passed by and then came Valentines day. Our class had a dance party in school and I went dressed up in my finest sunday outfit. There was music and I danced furiously till my very being screamed out for soda. As I made my way to the drinks bar,  I was tapped gently on the shoulder, only to turn around and see BARBARA, the most beautiful thing god had ever made looking lovely as ever and throwing out smiles at me, and yes she was eight years old. Wow!  As I looked up at her (yup, she was two inches taller than me) she looked at me and said, "Amrit!" "Thats me" I thought as my boyish heart melted", " You know what I like best about you? " she smiled, as I shook my head while fiddling with my hair in anticipation. " I think you look just like my brown teddy bear" she said, and then it happened! Barbara leaned over, closed her eyes and brushed her lips against mine. Then she gracefully pulled herself up and walked away with a sway. Now any other boy would have broken into roars of victory or cartwheeled all over the place. but not me, I broke into tears and ran away, my heart screaming in my head " Male guinea pig kiss female guinea pig, female guinea pig gets pregnant, barbara kissed amrit ........ " Oh no, I was gonna become fat!
I raced home, up the stairs and locked myself in my room. The next morning, I slipped out the back door without breakfast. How could I face my parents? But, I needed to talk to someone. So, i found myself standing outside Ms West's chamber at school. "Come on in darling" was her greeting as i sheepishly went up to the visitors chair and struggled to climb onto it ., "So, to what do we owe this honorable visit?" she urged. "Ma'am I am going to become a father!" I blurted out.  "Why thats  very  noble of a little boy like you to want to be a priest!" "No, no!" I said desperately, " I dont want to a be a priest, I'm going to be a daddy"  "I dont understand what you are saying little one." teacher repeated.  "I am pregnant!!" I wailed as I burst into tears.  Well, the next  coherent words Ms West said took ten minutes to come out as she toggled between a series of giggles and hysteric laughs. When she finally stopped she explained to me that men could never get pregnant, and to my embarrassment called Barbara in and ordered her never to jump me again. 
After  ten minutes of utter shame, I walked out of the chamber with barbara at my side smiling away to glory. The moment we turned the corner,  barbara pinned me against the wall, and kissed  me again. This time I dint cry, kinda liked it. Dint even think I was gonna get pregnant, I had more wisdom now, this time I thought Barbara was pregnant!  I shouldnt have done it I thought to myself but it was totally worth it ... hehe

His Mother's Days

Mothers's Day, Sunday, 2005, called up home at 11:00 at night to say hi to my mom (miku) and ask her if the flowers I sent her were the bestest gift ever or not? My dad (dada) picked up the phone.  A born surgeon whose hand never shakes, a confident voice that never fluctuates,  today, had his voice quivering and I could hear the phone ( a rather ancient chordless)  trembling in his hands. Chills shot down my back, as he said its Mother's Day and his mother (my grandmother) had just left forvever.  "Dont feel sad!" he sad as my head filled up with sadness, "Dont cry" he said, as my eyes welled up . "She was a great mother,  and she died and we cremated her the same place where we cremated your grandfather, and set her ashes afloat in the same river. Her last wish was to travel from Calcutta to Jamshedpur, and die holding her only son's hand as she bid her entire family and the world farewell.  she got it.
Last year I hurt my left hip.  Pained like crazy and I couldnt walk.  Dada told me that three months ago, thamma (grandmom in bengali) started getting a lot of pain in her body.  however, she refused to take painkillers coz she was praying to god that he gives her all my pain and every time it hurt she felt her prayers were answered. ironically a week before leaving us she fell down, broke her left hip, and passed away with insane amounts of pain in her left side. Her last words being " Is he(me) alright?"  and when dada answered yes, she closed her eyes, called it a day, a month, a year, a lifetime! more chills down spinal chord, goosebumps.  Today, I have no pain anywhere in my body, and my hip is like it used to be. I dont know what to think! Thamma was the most spiritual lady I ever knew. her whole life she just served people. Was one of the first lady doctors in nepal, ( a gynochologist), and after retiring devoted her life to her lord, took care of my grandfather who was paralyzed, and picked up poor  kids from the road to bring them home and feed them. just some among the many things she did for others.
didnt know what to say to my dad, my mom was crying like crazy too ..  just heard what they had to say and put the phone down as they asked me to pray for her soul.  So, sat at my computer numb,  and started to write a mail to my dad

Dada,
I dont know what to say. I know that it was time for her to leave us, and I know that it is great that she went without suffering. my eyes were filled with tears when i was talking to you. I know that though u are relieved that everything happened just the way she envisioned it , and she left without too much pain, u are deeply sad .... and thats the way it should be coz when someone you love dies , you should feel sad ... happy that she is in a better place ... sad that you will never see her again .. except maybe ur dreams ... the sweet thing is that our brains are the cutest things in the world. When things are in motion u remember both the hard times and the fun times , but when something goes away only the good moments remain in ur heart ...
I know that thamma loved me like crazy. One becoz she loved me , two coz she had insane amounts of love for you , and u had insane amounts of love for me ...and she always treated me like the heir to a throne. I remember once she told me that she wishes she could see the next heir to our "kingdom" before she died   so I should get married soon. Me and my stupid jokes, I told her I could give her heirs without getting married. My aunts (your sisses) screamed at me but thamma just kept giggling and called me paaaji (wicked but cute in bengali, at least the way she meant it).   I could tell by the way she used to smile and kiss me for the few times I have spent with her that she loved me like crazy... her house was lucky for me and she left taking away all my pain, and having pain of her own in the same side. Maybe coincidence or maybe the proof of the faith of a lady as spiritual as possible, and heart full of love. She was the one who got tumpa married off, rescued Runa pishi in her time of need, kept iman n hambir happy given their probs at home, she served everyone around her way past her prime .. or maybe her prime was her entire life ... i loved her a lot ... among all my grand parents I was closest to her .. I am glad I missed you guys a couple of sundays ago and got to talk to her and for the first time in years she actually heard everything i said ... and was very happy too ...
I am so happy that her voice was the first voice I heard on my birthday too .. .I called her up first thing when I wok e up coz she is the most spiritual person I know and i was in deep need of some sort of spiritual touch in my life .... I will definitely pray for her, though I've hardly ever prayed in my life. I hope god recognizes me hehe though I am sure he will be honored to have her in heaven ......  I guess what I am trying to say  is that I loved her, and I know she was too strong,  loving, and headstrong a person to just vanish into thin air.  She is hanging out with Dadu now, hopefully not makin him tea (coz her tea sucks hehe) but her love will pour on us every time it rains maybe .... I hope it rains right now! I need it to rain .........
Love  you
miss you
naby

A meeting of the MINDS

I am convinced that Von Neumann, the dude who suggested the architecture for the Computer has unknowingly cracked the way the human brain works and we will find out one day.
Research continues to investigate whether there exists something called the mind, separate from the brain (Classical paper discussing Yorrick and Dennis .... must read ) 
So lets go ahead with some geek talk. The computer architecture involves, CPU (Central processing Unit), with Random Access Memory, ROM (read only memory) and secondary storage (disks) I am convinced that the CPU that makes all the decisions is analogous to our mind, sometimes more in tune with our body than the brain (who we are) .  the brain is the assortation of all sorts of permanent storage with many a corrupt file which however can be restored by a random event that triggers the search.
For example, when you really really like a girl, and u're hung up on her, and she says something mean to you. Part of you hates her, and part of you loves her. The mind records the harsh words and generates hate, the brain who you are and cannot trick knows you love her . torn between mind and brain ......   Dreams seem to be this weird phenomenon seen by people when their bodies power down and there is communication between the mind and brain (some sort of backing maybe), resulting in pictures (audio n video)  in their sleep,  reflecting a confused mix of reality or the  present (stored in mind), and everything else (in the brain) ... have much more to say but am starting to crave a dream as i talk about it ... bandy2005 is shutting down.