The Epitome of Heterosexuality
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 at 10:46PM When most people quote their first crush it is a recollection from somewhere between the 2nd grade and the 10th. However, awareness of the opposite sex, that tingling feeling a guy gets when a beautiful girl enters his force field (proximity of an arms length), starts long long before. And btw my force field sweeps a radius of one mile given that I am a jedi and one with the force. (Sorry, saw Revenge fo the Sith last nite and had to incorporate the force into this blog.)
After watching a James Bond movie (I think the Spy who loved me) with dada at around age 5, I was convinced that my purpose on this planet was to get girls into a room and take off their clothes coz the girl in the movie looked very happy when her bra was undone and said "Oh! James, you're the best"! The "best", thats the aim! Attention seeking only-kids want people to love them and to be the best, and if that necessitates taking off millions of bras so be it .... I hope that explains me playing doctor doctor the rest of that year (1985). And ever since that, I spent my middle school years, running after highschool girls, highschool years running after middle school girls, and college years (well we dont talk about college years) And through the years I preached to all my friends that making girls happy is the epitome of heterosexuality, it doesnt matter how many women, but the woman you are with should be the happiest girl in the world!
Anyways, this piece wasnt supposed to be about me so I'll get back to the point. Recently, I have revamped my definition of the Epitome of heterosexuality. I no longer believe that guys who are naturally good at getting women, saying the right things at the right time are worthy of the title. There is a much more deserving candidate.
Meet Rakesh Saxena: 29, working in Los Angeles , for ok …. lets hit a stereotype IIT Bombay, and now working for a hardware company, say Macrohard. Our friend Rakesh never really spoke to girls when he was in high school since he wasn’t born with the talent of starting a conversation. The first time he spoke to the woman he loved (read puppy dog high school crush) was when she tied him a rakhi in the 10th grade. Oh! that mean day that women back in India used deviously to put an end to men’s secret crushes, the day half the guys of the class feigned sickness and stayed home. Neways, rest of his high school days were spent ogling at women, perusing debonair, playboy, the works, and dreaming of the prospects of meeting women in college. Two years of hammering away at books for the infamous IIT-JEE exams resulted in the honor to grace India ’s premium Engineering College and also ensured celibacy for the next four years. Let me explain why, and yeah, there are a few cute women in IITs but if they are, they are taken, and taken quite a few times if you know what I mean. Girls who never ever got checked out immediately get raised to the status of goddesses and the guys worship the ground they walk on. Neways, so Rakesh spends four years, sitting around in his hostel room with friends bitching about the world over several pegs of McDowell’s premium whiskey. But the world has more in store for them. Virginity is just a temporary phase. Rakesh next decides to change countries to improve his chances, and of course to pursue a PhD in the United States , the promised land, where opportunities present themselves, and the babes are wild (At least so promised Club MTV). Six months later, Rakesh finds himself wearing the tightest jeans ever in a strip club peeking at boobies for the first time. The stories of American babes showering their easy love on him were myths. One Phd and 2 years of job experience later, Rakesh is still clinging on to his cherry, while his mom (who has learnt how to send e-mail) keeps flooding his account with pictures of cherry busters for him. He considers each one of them, smiles at the thoughts of getting lucky, even if mommy brings luck to him, but still hasn’t given up the hope of finding the woman of his dreams. She may be around the corner, on the subway or on shaadi.com or friendster! My friends, Rakesh Saxena, who in spite all the downs of his love life never loses hope and remains loyal to his sexuality is the Epitome of Heterosexuality, unchallenged and unparalleled by any other man. His untiring exuberance and his optimism must be lauded. So all you guys out there, join me in a toast to Rakesh Saxena, the epitome of heterosexuality. And to all you girls, consider this: a smart guy, a solid bank balance, and 18 years of pent up sexual energy to be unleashed on you. I don’t think even a convict on death row could beat that. Think about it!
This blog is a result of a conversation between me and my roomy Vishal about our relentless friends. Please note Rakesh Saxena is a fictional character! at least by name!
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