Where do babies come from ?
Sunday, May 15, 2005 at 04:17PM Ever since I was 4 I always wanted to know "Where do babies come from?" Given my age I was always offered lame explanations such as "babies come from heaven above", or "santa gives mommies babies" But,
I was too smart to fall for any of them. I had never seen babies fall
out of the sky so the heaven explanation dint work, and if santa sent
babies, they would come down the chimney and then all babies would be
black in color covered with chimney soot, and more to the point, why
was Mrs. Green down the street starting to look as if she had
devoured a cow???
I went to pre-kindergarten in England, where I was soon received a double promotion from the cat class to the crocodile
class only to find myself subjected to a bunch of 8 year old british
kids, while i was only 6. One bright day, our teacher decided to take
us on a field day to check out the local farm. Equipped with my
lunchbox and neverending supply of coke in the largest juice box
possible, I jumped along with the group as excited as ever could
be. At the farm we came upon this couple of guinea pigs in a cage
and then confusion happened. One guinea pig came awefully close to the
other, and the rest was like watching two rats glued together as
one sometimes tried to break free and then sometimes went the other
way! this act was acccompanied by huge amounts of sneering and laughs
from the other kids. "Go for it guinea boy" William roared! Luckily, my
class teacher, Ms West soon realized that I was lost, and came over to
me. "Amrit, did you understand what happened?" she asked. "umm the
guinea pigs came close." I said. "What else?" "Ummm, the guinea pigs
came very close?" I answered with question marks all over my face. "Ok,
this is what happened, the guinea pigs come close, and the male guinea
pig gives the female guinea pig a kiss, and then she gets pregnant, and
has a baby" went Ms West maintaining perfect eye-contact.
Yes, this made perfect sense! I felt like the buddha under the peepal
tree wallowing in enlightenment! I knew the truth of life. A kiss
followed by a big tummy, and the word pregnant was exactly what mummy had used for Mrs. Green down the road!
Well, months passed by and then came Valentines day. Our class had a
dance party in school and I went dressed up in my finest sunday outfit.
There was music and I danced furiously till my very being screamed out
for soda. As I made my way to the drinks bar, I was tapped gently
on the shoulder, only to turn around and see BARBARA, the most
beautiful thing god had ever made looking lovely as ever and throwing
out smiles at me, and yes she was eight years old. Wow! As I
looked up at her (yup, she was two inches taller than me) she looked at
me and said, "Amrit!" "Thats me" I thought as my boyish heart melted",
" You know what I like best about you? " she smiled, as I shook my head
while fiddling with my hair in anticipation. " I think you look just
like my
brown teddy bear" she said, and then it happened! Barbara leaned over,
closed her eyes and brushed her lips against mine. Then she gracefully
pulled herself up and walked away with a sway. Now any other boy would
have broken into roars of victory or cartwheeled all over the place.
but not me, I broke into tears and ran away, my heart screaming in my
head " Male guinea pig kiss female guinea pig, female guinea pig gets
pregnant, barbara kissed amrit ........ " Oh no, I was gonna become fat!
I raced home, up the stairs and locked myself in my room. The next
morning, I slipped out the back door without breakfast. How could I
face my parents? But, I needed to talk to someone. So, i found myself
standing outside Ms West's chamber at school. "Come on in darling" was
her greeting as i sheepishly went up to the visitors chair and
struggled to climb onto it ., "So, to what do we owe this honorable
visit?" she urged. "Ma'am I am going to become a father!" I blurted
out. "Why thats very noble of a little boy like you
to want to be a priest!" "No, no!" I said desperately, " I dont want to
a be a priest, I'm going to be a daddy" "I dont understand what
you are saying little one." teacher repeated. "I am pregnant!!" I
wailed as I burst into tears. Well, the next coherent words
Ms West said took ten minutes to come out as she toggled between a
series of giggles and hysteric laughs. When she finally stopped she
explained to me that men could never get pregnant, and to my
embarrassment called Barbara in and ordered her never to jump me
again.
After ten minutes of utter shame, I walked out of the chamber
with barbara at my side smiling away to glory. The moment we turned the
corner, barbara pinned me against the wall, and kissed me
again. This time I dint cry, kinda liked it. Dint even think I was
gonna get pregnant, I had more wisdom now, this time I thought Barbara
was pregnant! I shouldnt have done it I thought to myself but it was
totally worth it ... hehe
Reader Comments (4)